Steven Snyder “Love Worth Making”

Text and photo: Maria Chesnokova

“Love, which is worth making” is a book that should be read by those wishing to delve into the psychology of sexuality and learn how foreign sex therapists work. When I delved into the book, it seemed to me that I was reading a detective story, where, instead of bloody murders and thefts, there are more subtle matters. Someone lost an erection with a woman with whom the hero is madly in love. Someone has lost libido in the most warm and open relationship, someone does not feel anything or cannot complete a task codenamed “put on a condom and do not lose an erection”.

Snyder cleverly unravels these sexual knots – this is how he calls situations in which people twist themselves and each other, tightening this “knot” even tighter, even if they did not want it. Sex nodes are the main reason sexual problems are so difficult to deal with.

To make it clearer, I will give an example. Problem: a man does not show initiative in sex, he comes to a sexologist because his wife has lost hope and wants to divorce. Any guess what might be behind this?

The problem with most sex books is that they don't lead to erection or lubrication. They are aimed only at dealing with “symptoms” and not with the cause. Snyder, on the other hand, offers to look deeper and understand how our sexual identity and our sexual self-work. Reading this book, every now and then I thought: “Yes! I felt that way, but I couldn't articulate. Thanks”. Hope you enjoy it too. I would recommend this author to those who have already read a couple of books on sex and those who want to go deeper. Study not techniques, but specifically the psychology of sex.

The answer to the riddle. The man does not feel warmth fr om his wife and feels that he is being criticized, so he moves away. This infuriates the woman, and she begins to criticize him even more. The partner is moving further away – further and further. Moving away emotionally, he will also distance himself sexually. A woman who does not feel desirable will never smile at a man with that special welcoming smile that men read as a “green traffic light”. He regards this as a signal “it is no longer safe to approach her”. And this, of course, is complete madness, because she does not smile, because her husband has not touched her for a month! As a result: he no longer has a desire for her, and she is nervous and upset because of him.

Quotes from the book

“You can deal with a myriad of sexual problems by simply taking a break from the urge to have penetrative sex”.

“The urge to bring your partner to orgasm is the root cause of a lot of bad sex”.

“Good sex helps us feel like we're okay, that's how we know the sex was good. In a comfortable relationship, we gain the feeling "Yes, it's me. I'm here. You found me". You are in a merger with the deepest meanings, the most authentic parts of your Self. When sex is good, we feel our value, when not – devastation”.

“In sex, the main thing is to enjoy your partner and to feel that they are enjoying you. Everything else is secondary. Having fun and being a source of pleasure is the essence of good sex”.

“If you are the majority of people, you do not need sex just for pleasure. Sex is for inspiration”.

“Sex is one of the spheres wh ere adults can and should feel a little like children. When your sex life is at its best, you feel connected to your deepest, most significant being”.

“Eros lives on the border between safety and adventure. Security reinforces it. If you don't feel safe, nothing will work out in bed. But security alone is not enough. Most of us also need a show of strength in bed”.

“Sexology is the art of lightness. You don't need to build your character, you just want to have a good time”.