How to Lower the “Price of Sex”?

Text: Boring Sex Blog
Photo: freepik

Russian version

Lack of sex is one of the most common family problems. There is no universal solution here, but there are useful tricks. For example, Jenny Anderson and Paula Schumann, in their marvelous book, “Strategy for Family Life”, offer an economic perspective on marriage.

The law of demand states that when prices rise, consumers buy fewer goods or services. And the cheaper the goods and services, the more people buy them.

Takeaway: Reduce the “price of sex” and you'll be more likely to engage in sex.

The price of sex is all that spouses have to sacrifice for the sake of sex. For example, giving up an extra hour of sleep, not being able to finish housework or watching a TV show.

If sex looks too expensive for your wife - in terms of time, emotions, energy costs, undone business - she will avoid intimacy.

Therefore, bring down the price. Reduce opportunity costs. Let there be no need to think about lost profits. Make sure you don’t have to sacrifice important things for sex.

First of all, free up time and energy: do housework, let your wife rest and do what you love.

Reduce the cost of sex itself. It does not have to require a lot of effort, time and feelings every time. Don't have sex like the last time. It doesn't have to be 10 out of 10 every time. Treat sex easier, just like a pleasant holiday.

By lowering the price, at the same time increasing the quality - make sex more pleasant for your partner. For good sex with strong orgasms, the price does not seem that high. How to do it? Chat and get to know each other better.

Now let's talk about three specific economic tips for making love more often.

Tip 1. Make it more transparent

An opaque market is a situation where neither side knows for sure what the other considers valuable. In this case, a normal exchange of goods is not possible.

If you never honestly discuss sex, it will become a taboo that should not be talked about.

You won't know what your wife wants. Does she like having sex with you or is she just putting up with it? What is pleasant to her and what is not? If you don't ask – you won't know. And she will never guess what you want.

If you remain silent, you are in danger of a dead end seemingly everything will be fine until the crisis strikes, and you will not find yourself at a broken trough.

There is only one way out – make ransparent. Talk about feelings and desires in all aspects of family life. Discuss your tastes in food and leisure preferences, favorite activities, how you feel, thoughts from what you read. Talk about problems in sex without waiting for an explosion. Constant contact will allow you to resolve issues as they come and will not let them ruin your marriage.

An important point! Don't complain, but share your feelings and talk about your desires.

Tip 2: Develop a Sex Habit

Nobel laureate in economics Gary Becker once formulated the theory of rational addiction. A habit is formed when we understand over and over again that a certain decision is beneficial to us. It always seems to us that the pleasure is higher than the cost. And after a lot of repetitions, there is simply no way out - the habit is formed.

Any addict knows that drugs are bad. But each time he weighs the delayed consequences and momentary pleasure – and chooses pleasure. As a result, an addiction occurs, and he cannot get off the curve of the track.

Therefore, the best way to get rid of a bad habit is to quit it abruptly after enduring the “withdrawal”, Becker explains.

But good habits are formed in the same way. If a person goes to the gym, then at first every time he makes a decision consciously, weighing the benefits. And then he goes out of habit.

The best way to develop a good habit is to repeat the good thing day after day, even when you're in no mood at all. And this is no longer proved by economics, but by modern neuroscience.

If you rarely have sex, then you have developed a bad habit of giving up sex (the benefit of giving up in the moment seems to be more important than the long-term benefit for the relationship). But the less sex you have in your life, the higher the cost. And the higher the price, the lower the level of demand. As a result, you find yourself in a vicious circle: you have no sex because you have no sex.

What’s to do? Agree on a schedule: how often do you promise to have sex, no matter what the external circumstances? Even busy couples can usually afford once a week.

Do you want and can do more? Great, negotiate more frequent sex. Just remember that you don't have to run a candlelight sex marathon every time you dare to experiment.

Habit is developed by repetition. Agree in advance that sex will not be perfect and enchanting every time. You won't want it very much every time. Just make it a priority so that regular lovemaking becomes a habit and becomes enjoyable again.

Tip 3. Coordination

Sex is a “coordination game”. Both participants face the same choice (to have sex or not to). And the outcome depends on the decision of each of them.

The problem of coordination arises when one of the participants is based on a false assumption about the intentions of the other.

The less coordination, the higher the costs. If you expect your wife to agree to sex, but she is not in the mood and will refuse you, you will be offended and feel insignificant.

The wife will be upset too: she doesn't want to, but her husband pesters. To agree for her is to give up her desires, to refuse is to offend her husband. The situation is stalemate.

As a result, sex is too expensive for both partners due to lack of coordination.

What to do? Reduce costs through strong coordination. Both partners should be as clear as possible when they are in the mood for sex. Usually it is advised to agree on some kind of ritual or expression that signals the desire to make love.

The point is that the question “Do you want to have sex?” does not always work – often it is a leading question with a trick, not getting rid of resentment.

What else is important to remember

1. Both partners should communicate their mood and take the initiative. This is a “coordination game” for two.

2. Warn and negotiate sex ahead of time, not at the last moment. Good sex takes preparation. There is no spontaneous sex.

3. Discuss how to gently deny sex to reduce the pain of other people's feelings. And agree on how you will react to the refusal so as not to criticize your partner.

4. Scheduled sex eliminates the need to negotiate a new every time. If it suits you, the bounce rate will be much lower.

Read more about the “economic” approach to contradictions in marriage, read the book: Jenny Anderson, Paula Schuman “The strategy of family life. How to wash dishes less often, have sex more often and quarrel less”.