My name is Wand. Mister Wand

© Arina Vintovkina

Russian version

What is Wand?

This is the name of a variety of devices with very specific characteristics.

Crackling. As a class of toys, these fellows are the most powerful. Take the most ordinary vibrator and the weakest wand – the second wins. This is their feature, their essence, their nature.

The head is in the form of a round knob and there is a rather massive handle. All wands are bulky and monstrously monumental. My first one had an nickname “Hammer of Thor”, as it weighed about the same. Yes, it's hard to hold in your hand (especially if you haven't been to the gym for a long time). But you don't need to hold it, but put the device on the bed and, for example, sit down or lie on top of it. Or put the toy on your pubis so that the vibrating part docks where you need it. And the massive and long handle is responsible for ensuring that the vibration gives minimal recoil to your fingers, and so that the device can reach any part of the body from the most intricate position.

Designed exclusively for superficial stimulation. No matter how promising the elongated handle looks, it has no place inside the body, so do not be bullies, please. Some models come with attachments (or those can be purchased separately), which expand the functionality of the device. I share a life hack with you: instead of attachments, you can buy a Tenga egg and put it on the head of the device – the tactile sensations will change, and the vibrations will become softer.

They are not just able, but do the massage super-greatly. What is written on the box “massager” is not a puritanical slyness. Wands massage shoulders, feet, lower back in a way that not every professional massage therapist can do. Not using them for this is to deprive yourself of utter pleasure. I don't know how popular this practice is, but I know that these devices are sometimes used in restorative medicine.

Now, once we have figured out the material, let’s talk about specific models:

Doxy is the most powerful (Lovehoney)

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This British fellow is sensational, discouraging, paradoxically powerful! According to the manufacturer, this model is 30% more deadly than the original Hitachi Magic Wand (a cult piece, the forerunner of all such toys). The motor inside the Doxy spins from 3000 to 9000 rpm. I with my average sensitivity, to be honest, only use it through clothes. Mrs B (she has a high sensitivity) is afraid to even just sit next to it. Even when it's off.

The nature of the vibration is penetrating, literally piercing. You can apply it to the foot and feel the tremors in the groin area. Lumbar massage runs the risk of ending in orgasm. At the same time – bravo to engineers! – you do not feel any recoil at all.

Deafening. The sound intensity is about the same as that of a running lawnmower. Go somewhere private while the household is sleeping is not an option here. Everyone will wake up, and your neighbors too.

If, after 20 minutes of operation, Doxy automatically shuts down, do not panic – this is normal and specially programmed for security purposes. Click “on”, and the unit is back in business.

It works from the outlet. Yes, you heard right. The toy that people go crazy for in 2020 needs to be plugged into a power outlet. To some, this old school seems charming. Doxy's wire is 3 meters long.

Just in case I will clarify that you should not take appliances powered from the outlet with you to the bath. Doxy is NOT waterproof. It cannot be bathed, it is only permissible to wipe it and process it with toycleaners.

The model I have lies in a plastic case and because of the color (gray+purple) it looks rather gloomy. I wanted to write “brutal”, but no it is rather gloomy. There is also Doxy in a metal cladding: it looks more striking, the power is the same, but it weighs more and costs one and a half times more.

If you've ever had or have a Magic Wand then Doxy's attachments are great. Well, or a life hack with Tenga will help you.

1 year warranty. 4 modes.

The Wand by We-Vibe is the smartest

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This German (the only one of all) has nozzles in the kit. The wheel with soft silicone petals imitates the caress of the tongue (in fact, it is not like tongue, but still pleasant and makes the stimulation gentle, not furious), and the second, “with horns” – turns it into a male device. So, in fact, it is 3-in-1.

Smart Silence mode. The wand starts working when you touch the toy on the body, and calms down when you move it away. Saves battery and minimizes sounds.

Instead of the usual buttons - a joystick! I have never seen anything like this before.

It is the only one that can be remotely controlled (like all We-Vibe toys- via the free We-Connect app).

The silicone on the head is “anthropomorphic”, that is, it bounces and folds when pressed, like human skin under pressure from fingers. No other toy has this either.

2 years warranty. 100% waterproof. 10 vibration modes. 24 intensity levels.

Wand-er Woman by Satisfyer is the newest and most affordable

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Also German, this year’s novelty. From the unexpected – a new packaging option: to open the box you need to tear off the perforated tape on the side. Thus, you can be sure the box wasn’t opened before.

From the predictable: a fairly simple look. The silicone is pleasant but nothing extraordinary here. The shape is suitable, looks like a mammoth tusk, without any pretense of grace. There are buttons, and they are just buttons.

The heaviest. There is a feeling that the brand deliberately made it so heavy to give credibility. They say, rejoice at what a solid thing you have acquired for such insignificant money. And it costs three times less than Doxy.

Loud. Moreover, it rumbles with some element of squealing.

The vibration is good, rolling and deep, as it should be. And it does not give any recoil at all. So, all my caustic comments can be read with one eye closed: for that money – it is a great thing.

1 year and 15 year warranty from the brand (this is also something new for Satisfyer, for whose devices the reputation of being fragile has been fixed). 100% waterproof. 10 vibration modes and 5 speeds.

The Smart Wand from Lelo – the smallest and most expensive

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Originally from Sweden, comparatively small (two times smaller and five times lighter than Doxy), but at the same time, in terms of tactical and technical characteristics, it is still a Wand. Although this is a travel version, and to my taste the head of the toy is too small – the wands’ thing is that it covers a decent part of the vulva. Here it may be necessary to compensate for the lack of diameter by moving the toy faster and over a larger area.

If you don't want any compromise, if you just want Lelo and don't care about the price, take the full-size version without hesitation.

The price is…decent. More precisely, indecent! On the other hand, this is Lelo – the brand which doesn’t care about saving. About functionality, aesthetics, shape and illumination of buttons, a golden trim on the handle so that the box resembles crocodile skin – yes. But the fact remains: Smart Wand costs one and a half times more than Doxy.

Mega-tactile. The silicone from Lelo is super velvety. But a nuance was revealed: in the first few hours after you take it out of the box, it may smell a little of rubber (I was surprised and even managed to get upset). The next day, however, not a trace of the smell remained.

The vibration by the standards of the Wands is soft, but penetrates deeply. At the same time, it is the quietest! But it recoils to the handle (the drawback of the travel version).

SenseTouch mode: the more you press the toy against the body, the more intensely it vibrates. Sounds great, but you have to get used to it (I'm not used to it yet), because there is some confusion with the modes. You turned it on, the device barely rumbles and in order to understand whether the power of this mode is enough for you, you need to press the toy to your body. You can't understand it by ear.

Like Doxy, it can turn off spontaneously: not immediately, but after a couple of minutes, if not used.

It only has a satin bag in the kit. And when you are dealing with large-sized devices, the issue of storage is more than acute.

100% waterproof. 8 vibration modes. 1 year warranty and another 10 years quality warranty from the brand.

Pseudo-wands

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Two fellows who only pretend to be Wands but are not really Wands: GBulb from Gvibe and Eden from Calexotics.

If you consider them just sex toys, everything is ok. Nice, cute, inexpensive, buzzing. But this is the case- they buzz! Despite the round head, they do recoil because there is not enough power and the nature of the vibrations they have is the same as that of conventional vibrators.

Wands seem to shake you up from the inside (in a good way), these waves, like invisible tentacles, penetrate somewhere deep and entwine everything inside. Vibrators – pull and irritate the surface of the mucous membrane.

Plus, notice how small GBulb and Eden are. And the size of the unit matters. It is impossible to cram a motor like a Wanda inside a small toy. It may be possible to shove something, but it will be problematic to use the device or even just pick it up. A monstrous Wandan handle is a guarantee that vibrations will not be transmitted to the fingers (and this is unpleasant, the fingers go numb, the toy falls out, goodbye to orgasms).

I am not discouraging you from buying GBulb and Eden, I just want you to be realistic about what you are buying. These are common clitoral stimulators. They are interesting primarily because they have round heads - you apply such a thing to the vulva, and not only the head of the clitoris is stimulated, but also the labia and the entrance of the vagina. This is good, pleasant, leads to more blood filling and, accordingly, more vivid sensations.

Of note, GBulb (UK) is super cute and looks like a light bulb. “5+” for conspiracy. Six vibration modes. One hundred percent waterproof. 3 years warranty. Good bargain. Simply a godsend.

Eden from Calexotic (USA) is battery-operated, so it costs even less. Rumbles moderately and even slightly quieter than the “light bulb” and is more comfortable to hold in your hands. 10 vibration modes and it is also possible it wet it. I would not submerge it under water (the battery compartment is a capricious thing, water can get inside if the lid is not closed tightly enough), but it's easy to play in the shower.