“I want” – “I don't want”

Text: Arina Vintovkina

Russian version

One of the most important shifts in our relationships with Mister V occurred precisely at this point of a critical mismatch in sexual desires. I can even remember the date – it is possible to celebrate an impromptu anniversary.

There was no talk of polyamory then, no one even had it in their plans and dreams. At that moment I caught myself interested in the Theme. There was no specific request or need, just curiosity stirred inside: “What if there is something for me? And what could it be?”

A small remark.

All my “thematic” experience by that time was reduced to a single episode (quotes, because it was not, actually): a boyfriend slapped me in the face during sex. It was so unexpected, so out of place and so humiliating (and I knew so little about the Theme and how it all actually works) that I permanently sealed my interest in anything related to painful effects, diagnosed with “It's not mine at all”.

Over the years, both information and understanding came. And this was most restlessly tossing and turning desire materialized into: “I want to try” with which I came to Mister V. And to which I received: “I don't want to”.

– Neither aesthetics attracts, none of the possible roles, nor new sensations – you want nothing?

– Nothing. It's just not interesting for me.

I had few options where to move on fr om there.

Suppress my “want”. This, in general, was not difficult, because curiosity is a volatile substance. And the habit of putting spontaneous desires on the altar of a virtuous marriage, women of my year, I believe, absorbed with the milk of their mothers.

Wait and “gently push to it”. Fr om time to time, throw something in to read and see. Whisper “Spank me” when something happens between us. Buy harmless handcuffs with pink fur (“Maybe we will try it?”).

In short, to assume that a person has glowing embers of interest in this area – even if he himself still has no idea about their existence – and which I just need to stir. If I understand correctly, is this what they call “female cunning”?

Start talking and try to negotiate some kind of a compromise.

Why did I choose the third option? No, not because I am Number One in talking about sex. And then I was not a specialist at all, but rather an apprentice. I based on two things. More precisely, on one. On respect for desires.

I clearly understood that I respect and trust his “I don’t want to”. Therefore, I do not consider it possible to dispute or evaluate. I don’t consider myself “smarter” and more perspicacious – he just never tried it/ he is afraid / he is shy. If he doesn’t want to, then “no means no”. He knows himself better.

I clearly understood that my wishes were respected.

Wh ere did I get this, since my husband did not passionately grab the flogger? First and foremost, because he didn’t say – “I don’t want to and I won’t let you”. And he also did not try to shame me and did not take the situation personally (like: “What is wrong with me, since she was drawn to such things?”).

It's a true talent: to refuse without rejecting.

His “not interested” was so honest and pure, so delightfully neutral, that I did what I honestly never planned: I asked if he would mind if I do it with someone else?

At the same time, I was sincerely ready for any concessions and compromises. You are confused by this Master? I can find another one. Does it make any difference to you whether it will be a man or a woman? You don't want to participate, but perhaps you want to watch?

I progressed as slowly as I could. I spoke out every nuance, starting with what clothes I would wear, ending with how intimate our interaction with the Master would be. Detailed, clarified, specified. Along the way, realizing wh ere the boundaries of what is acceptable and desirable for me are. The irony is that I don’t really remember what that first “side” experience was like. And with that person (except for interaction within several sessions) nothing ever connected me.

But for me and Mister V, this “crisis of mismatch of desires” became a colossal point of growth. The way we got into it. What were became after that. How much we understood about each other and each of us about ourself. (and these insights cannot be compared with those shimmering sparks that ignited my sexuality thanks to the Theme).

And one more funny moment. I remember how I told this story – still quite fresh and warm – to my friend. She listened to me and then said: “Look, I suddenly understood why I divorced my ex-husband. Because of tango! I wanted to study, but he was quite against it. He resisted “I don’t want to” and tried to convince me that only lusty women do such dances, that I will look like a laughing stock, that it is better to shake my ass at home, and not in front of unfamiliar men. It was then that, it seems, everything went wrong with us completely”.

Disagreement of desires is always difficult, troublesome, alarming. This is, in fact, always a crisis. Still, you probably heard that in Chinese the word “crisis” consists of two characters, meaning, respectively, “danger” and “opportunity”? I would assume that this second part of the hieroglyph opens only to those who are ready to plunge into a new situation for themselves, without losing their own dignity and not destroying the dignity of their partner.